Depressed Messiah

Decision making time. For the past few months, I've been discovering something about myself, that other people may or may not have realized, but definitely haven't said anything at all to me. I actually have the need to care for others. That sentence sounds nice, but to me its becoming pathological. Seriously. I actually feel the intense need to save or help someone. If I see a random person who needs help, I Will help. Its okay if its a one-off thing like a road-side accident, where I call the ambulance or something. But in my case its not that. Its more than that. When I see a sad or depressed person, I'm automatically there for them to talk. It's not like I force them to talk or anything. But I just make myself available in such a way that they will eventually open up. This I realized can turn out really bad, which already has for me. It turns out bad, because I do this for anyone I know, any random acquaintance, subconsciously assuming that through that, we will eventually become awesome friends.  

"How wrong am I?"

For my para-clinical posting, I went to study about Hypnosis because I wanted to find an awesome way to cure depression and all psychiatric disorders in the future, most if not all. I thought there was some sort of hope in that. I genuinely thought, if I can master Hypnosis and step it up a little more than what the pioneers of Hypnosis such as James Braid or Milton Erikson have accomplished, I could save many lives. I could prevent suicides. I had plans of associating Binaural Beats and Hypnosis and craft out a more objective manner of hypnosis so that significant reproducible data can be obtained. 

"I want to save people". The meaning of this sentence has changed for me almost in an instance. Can I actually? No.I.Cant. I am suddenly afraid that the reason I chose medicine was similar to the reason I chose to learn up hypnosis. Just because I've experienced some amount of emotional distress, I assume that I can resonate with other people who need help. Why did this week became significant? That's because of two things. One, someone told me that I "pretend to care". Now, try to understand this confusion. I am already in a dilemma where I feel I can and should help with everyone else' emotional problems, and after actually listening to the problems, I feel awesome and useful in life. On top of this dilemma, someone said that, "I PRETEND". Sorrow like a sharp sword just pierced my heart. I genuinely feel the compulsion to care, and you give me that sentence? Okay, second? Someone else whom I was talking to again, just loaded me with a piece of information, but it started to become a burden of knowledge. It was an info I couldn't comprehend and its something I obviously can't handle. I really didn't have to know that. For obvious reasons, I can't let out that info here. But I need to indirectly vent. If not, I'm gonna explode. It's two things that has happened this week, but it changed a lot of me, because these two were just triggers to the mountain of build-up.

Self-diagnosis? I have what you call The Messiah Complex. Well, not really. I don't think I'm Jesus, but I really feel like I can save people. I blame myself if someone I knew committed suicide, and I couldn't or didn't do anything about it. But you know whats the contraindication? Bitter & Miserable people cannot be a messiah. Yes, maybe I can be a doctor (I honestly hope so, cause the road I'm traveling doesn't seem to offer a u-turn) and help people cope with their illnesses. But to be a psychiatrist? I don't know anymore. I really don't. It feels like my dream of a psychiatrist just popped like foam in an instant. So, the opening sentence of this blog. What is the decision I'm making? What is the question actually?

"Should I Care?"

Its not all about my dream to become a psychiatrist. It's about my interaction with people, Right Now. After tremendous brainstorming, I think that I should make a decision now. Too much has happened before this, and this week is the last of this. I cannot go around listening to all people's stories. But it's not their fault. It's mine. I Wanted to listen in the first place. It's over-burdening, yet in my mind I think I'm a coke glass in Nandos, bottomless. But I'm not. So I decided, I shall only care about my close friends, and that's not many of them. Not Many At All, because of recent, my friendships margin is beginning to mature and people who I should care for is surfacing from a dark pool of water. I shouldn't just start talking to random people about their problems. If I'm not close to you, it's not my duty to listen to your problems. That's something I have to convince myself. If you were an acquaintance, and you ended up committing suicide, I ain't gonna beat-up myself for that. If there are going to be new friendships, I suggest we build that ship first before any baggage is loaded to the deck. For all those Other people out there, today I chose, to NOT CARE.