Sun Will Shine, My Friend

So I despise those days that my university fails to provide transport for me and my classmates, from the Hospital at which I'm studying, to my university. Although I have a car which I can drive, I don't really want to do so for obvious reasons, Traffic Congestion. However, in the end I decided to drive, and yes we got ourselves stuck in a somewhat moderate congestion.  Along the way, one of my friend just suddenly decided to sing a song for my other friend and I. So i switched off the car radio to set the stage for her to sing. This is the song she sang:

I can't express how touched I was. Hahaha. Well, for starters, no one has actually sang me a song before, and, this song was so meaningful, in relation to friendships. It really made my day, and hence I shall spread the love. Hope you feel the same way when you listen to this. I guess its the small gestures you do that matters the most to people, some if not all. Sometimes, this is all it takes to carry on for yet another day. Have a nice day people!

"Don't hide yourselves in the corner,
You have my place to stay"

The Adam-Black-Casper Effect

Every kind of relationship demands a certain amount of loyalty, and in most friendships there's bound to be an exchange of information we frequently call 'secrets'. Why do people gossip? 

I assume, and I will always have this assumption; people generally have good intentions, or better phrased, their intentions are less likely to be purely evil. For me, people who do bad things, can be categorized into two categories. One, the people that have a background story to tell, and two, the psychiatric patients. There's no way I'm gonna convict a psychiatric patient, cause I love them all in all. So for the people who have a story to tell, I'll lend a ear. They probably want revenge with a prepared justification speech in their mind. Someone just needs to listen to them and give them a hug. There is of course another type of species, the people who just wanna watch the world burn. However, I kind of consider them as psychiatric patients as well. So I'm fine with all you ridiculous human beings out there. 

Making that assumption, I can't blame people who gossip. I'm just trying to bail out those people who have 'no choice' but to spread the good news. After deep analysis, I found a circumstance that promotes gossiping. Lets say there are three people, A,B and C. Erm, wait. Using letters can be annoying. I'm gonna name them. Adam, Black, and Casper? Yea, that's cool. So the situation is such that, Adam is friends with Black and Casper, but Black and Casper are not friends. The problem is, Adam, Black and Casper are in the similar social circle, wherever it may be, college or work. So there'll be a sleepover day where Adam and Black will have a therapy session and presidential secrets will be exchanged. Then there'll be another day where Adam and Casper will hangout and Casper will pull out the friendship card. At that point in time, Adam will feel subconsciously closer to Casper, and compounded with Casper's curiosity, Adam will pour out stuff about Black to Casper. It's not that Adam had any intention of watching Black burn (haha black burn? thats funny, he's already black), its just that, if you do a cross sectional study, Adam only feels close to one person at that point in time. Adam will only feel closer to the person he is currently with.

I like psychiatry and their ridiculous nomenclature of effects. So I'm going to give this a name as well. I'm going to call this situation The Adam-Black-Casper Effect, hence the title. This effect can easily happen especially if you are in situation like mine. My medical school groupings are in constant motion. Its like my University is using the modified version of Divide and Rule strategy, where the division is continuous, hence no real group of friends are formed. Even the continents of the earth weren't the same a thousand years ago. A group of friends is referred to a circle of friends. Its supposed to be a complete circle. If its broken looking like an Omega of Friends, there's gonna be inevitable leakage of information. 

So if you have different friends in a similar social circle, ask yourself today, where does your loyalty lie? No one servant, can serve two masters.

 

Almost There

So I got tired of movies and Korean dramas, temporarily at least. The Night Watchman's Journal, was just unbearable. Thank God, my good friend suggested reading instead. The last time I read a fiction was probably before I started my fascination and obsession for movies, and that would be when I was 15. The first book my friend suggested to me was, Jodi Picoult's Nineteen Minutes.

 

Before diving into my analysis, I would say that I really enjoyed it, all throughout. Or maybe its just been so long I gave my brain a really good treat with this kinda food. Basically the story revolves around a boy who is bullied, Peter Houghton. I loved the way Jodi was able to sustain the magnitude of angles she was covering in the novel. She covered the parents of the dead, parents of the permanently injured victims, Peter's parents, Josie's Mom, a little from the defense attorney and less of the prosecutor. What Jodi did not dive into however, is the mind of Peter Houghton. Most readers would want to view the world from the angle of Peter, the main guy. But that wasn't the point of this novel. What Jodi wanted us to feel was not so much the feeling of being bullied, but in every other situation instead. The point of this novel was not to justify Peter's doing, but what would be the reaction if you were in any one of those parties of victims, be it Peter's Mom who was equally traumatized or an innocent bystander who didn't even pick on Peter. I was honestly expecting more to come out of Peter when he was testifying, but Jodi just went as deep as a water strider would, on water for Peter's angle. So generally dividing the main parties involved; 

1. The villain (Peter)

2. The victims (whether dead or alive, including the parents)

3. The pitiful party (Peter's parents & Josie's Mom).

I'll talk about the parts that was poorly delivered first. Josie, for starters. There wasn't enough build up to substantiate the reason as to why Josie had to be the one to shoot Matt Royston (Her boyfriend and the one who picks on Peter). Although I was secretly hoping throughout that she was the one who pulled the trigger somehow. I was kinda smiling when it really turned out to be her. Jodi basically gave me what I wanted like a free gift. We were clear about her suffering to fit it the crowd, and how she loved Matt while still feeling empty on the inside. But I think it needs a little anger, to pull the trigger? or frustration of that sort. What flashed before her eyes, seconds before Peter came in holding a gun into the locker room was images of what she wanted to do with the rest of her life, and that included Matt in it. How come all of a sudden, she is able to shoot Matt? 

The discussion as to why Josie shot Matt could go on forever. I read some other reviews saying that, it was because she accepted herself. She was in love with the popularity, not so much in Matt. So shooting Matt symbolizes the acceptance of her self as being Peter-like, unpopular. Whatever the reason, I regard this (kinda like the important part of the story) as poorly delivered because, it was too fast. She definitely did not premeditate the murder of Matt, and took the opportunity of shooting him because he was abusive and dominating, all at the point of Peter's gun rolling to her feet. Basically what I'm trying to say is Jodi did not clearly explain, in the final moments of choice, what led Josie to shoot Matt instead of Peter. If nothing actually ran through her mind that caused her to shoot Matt, then that shot would've been meaningless, equivalent to a psychopath shooting a random civilian. It would hold no meaning. She could have at least quickly flashed the moments she had troubles fitting in, and the parts where Matt made her cry, but being super comfy with Peter instead. There would have been more emotion to the bullet fired. 

 

Next, the impressive parts. Dissociation. Totally pulled that off. I totally didn't see that coming. Jordon (defense attorney) pretty much did a good job. He had hope in a totally hopeless case. Although pleading psychiatric reasoning maybe lame among lawyers, but to me, its always impressive. That's just cause I love psychiatry. Although suggesting that Peter was in a dissociative state the whole 19 minutes did not really hold, but it was a worthy shot, instead of just giving up.

So what Jodi wants is for us to be in party 2 & 3. Not in Peter's shoes. Who would you blame? What will you do? Bullying is more of a society thing, and everybody plays a role. But I'm gonna take the liberty of blaming someone here, just because I can. I would blame his parents. Sorry, but yea. I can't expect kids at his age to Not bully, I cant expect much from the school authorities either. At any time, they could have transferred schools, loved him more, Stopped comparing him with his elder brother. One of the most painful lines that I read in the book was that, when his elder brother died, Peter was the one that his Parents was holding on to. I teared up. Almost cried, almost, but no I didn't. The sad truth is this happens, all the time in real life. Depressed people are loaded with heavier burdens of others, because some people around them are just oblivious to the fact that they already have issues of his own. 

The other thing I loved about this novel is the fact that Jodi is kinda philosophical. She is probably philosophical in her other novels too, but I wouldn't know because this is my first. She slips in philosophy whenever possible. This was done through Peter's dad that was measuring happiness in an equation. Alex's (Josie's Mom) idea of "it still exists if someone is there to remember it". Not forgetting the two Chinese Proverbs that was in the beginning of the two parts. The latter being the more interesting one. "When you start a journey of revenge, start by digging two graves: one for your enemy, and one for yourself.” That's really a nice thought, and true at the same time. There's plenty more ideas about happiness, making mistakes, what should or should not be done that Jodi tries to slip in the novel, but I'll just stop here for now.

Peter's death? Well, that was coming for sure, but how did Jodi deliver it? It was impressive. I mean, I had suicidal ideation for most of my life, I've watched plenty of movies on how to kill a person, or yourself, but never once, swallowing a sock was on my list. I love those death moments, where the best moment of your life flashes. For his death, as he suffocated, it was an alternate version of his bus ride to school, the one he is happy in, and a calming reassurance for Peter, as the voice said, "Almost There." With Peter's death, it is also justified to say that just as revenge, bullying fills two graves.

Last thought for the day, what would I do if I was Peter's parents? I would wanna die. Yes I'm dramatic like that. But first, I'd pull my spouse along, and then stick our heads adjacent to each other and blast a bullet through both our skulls. That's how frustrated I'd feel being parents of mishaps.

But Wait, Aren't We All Dying?

Side note, I just finished my assignment and I'm still in the heat of typing something, hence this post. So, I cant remember where, but I came across the topic of Euthanasia, again. Therefore, I told myself, its time to take a stand. These things has been in debate like, forever. But this is just my stand for it. Just in case I come to that point in my life. I don't want to be making decisions then, so I shall sort out my life right.now.

 

Just a pretext to this, I'm a Catholic. This post just became less fun didn't it? because you can pretty much judge my stand in this. However, I'm still gonna talk about it. I'm not gonna discuss about the definition of Euthanasia and all, because you can do that yourself.

I got this from Vatican, written by Pope John Paul II, basically making a strong statement about Euthanasia and its likes;

"Whatever is opposed to life itself, such as any type of murder, genocide, abortion, euthanasia or willful self-destruction, whatever violates the integrity of the human person, such as mutilation, torments inflicted on body or mind, attempts to coerce the will itself; whatever insults human dignity, such as subhuman living conditions, arbitrary imprisonment, deportation, slavery, prostitution, the selling of women and children; as well as disgraceful working conditions, where people are treated as mere instruments of gain rather than as free and responsible persons; all these things and others like them are infamies indeed. They poison human society, and they do more harm to those who practice them than to those who suffer from the injury. Moreover, they are a supreme dishonor to the Creator"

So, by that I think the Catholic stand is pretty firm. In my country, Malaysia, Islam is the "official" religion, and their take on this is against it as well. Hence Euthanasia is illegal in my country, as Islam is the official religion. 

But personally, what do I think, putting religion aside? I am going to separate the possible situation of the patients in two. One, a patient is suffering from a horrible disease, but without a fix date of death; however we know that death is approaching. I'll give you an example of a patient I saw in a hospital. A 7 year old female diagnosed with SLE, now 13 years old with ESRF. Death is imminent, just impossible to accurately date. Situation number 2, the most popular example being cancer, where lets say the patient has 6 to 8 months life expectancy. 

For situation one, I'd say No for Euthanasia, and for situation 2 I'd say Yes. No for the first situation for obvious reasons. If that was the case, we should all die now since so many of us are in constant pain without a known date of death. The problem here is pretty simple actually. Most people dislike pain and want to avoid it. At the same time, there is always that tiny bit of hope that something else miraculously might happen. Medicine is so subjective, nothing can be confirmed. No matter how dumb that sentence may sound, one has to swallow that truth down their throat and digest it. So be it a fatal glioblastoma you are having currently, and death is definitely by your side, you could be that one in a million patient that had a tumour regression maybe? Idk. Or you could one of the 999 999 other patients that will die. Finally it comes back to what do you want to live for isn't it? If you have a few months left, and want to spend it with a loved one, then do so. Or, you lost your purpose in life and want to hastily meet your creator, or your creator's enemy then be it. I like one of the approaches to Euthanasia in one of the country I forgot which, where the patient is approached at intervals of 2 weeks and then 6 months later to confirm his or her decision on dying. This could really be beneficial as the patient might have just decided to die in the heat of the moment, but then later on, decided to do something worthwhile with the remaining moments of his or her life. 

Don't say you can't do much with little time. It takes a couple of seconds to make another person laugh, and making another person laugh is a great thing to do. It's not that you cant possible have any jobs to do if you are bed ridden. I remember one person in my class a few years back offering the answer of a 'radio jockey'. That is something you can do, and if your station is famous, you could make your entire country laugh or cry, or be inspired by your story or whatever not. So saying there's nothing I can do my remaining in time is not accurate. The real problem here is pain and discomfort, are you willing to go through these? I guess that's the tough call. 

For me, if there is really something I could do for another, whether it be someone I know or not, I would do it, even if it causes me pain. That's just me. So I'd choose not to die. Of course I'm giving examples of patients who are still able to do stuff in a few months. I'm not referring to those patients unable to even talk while just being infused with morphine or something. If it was utterly up to me, I'd wait. I would not request for Euthanasia. Lets say I'm in the last stages, just morphine daily, can't even get out of bed, can barely talk, I'd still wait. This is my respect and love for my creator. I believe he has it all sorted out. Everybody needs an identity, and I want mine to be in Christ. At least of recent. So I'd choose to go through it, even if I don't see the benefit of it. Yes, earlier I said, 'yes' for one of the situation of the patient but that was religion aside, theoretically. But that's not what I plan to do. 

Of course there are other grey areas such as DNR and such but lets keep that for a different time, mostly because I'm suddenly tired. So as a conclusion, I wouldn't want Euthanasia for myself, but I approve if others want it, because we have different ways of life, and I respect what you believe in. In the other situation where the call is made by a proxy, I don't really care. Hahaha. Because if you want to Euthanize me, you better not have any guilt later on, either way I'm fine with it. Since it was entirely up to you, it will all depend on your way of life and what you believe in.

To those who are living, I'm not going to say be happy, but what I'm gonna say is, learn to embrace sadness and pain. There's a certain unique victory in that, that can't be penned or verbalized. See ya!