My Wedding

Okay so, I'm still single, but it's okay if I plan my wedding out right? My sis is getting married real soon, but that just got me thinking about how I should carry out my wedding. Since I don't have a girlfriend, I don't need any approval for this fantasy! Anyway, first I was thinking of doing it on a cruise.

Yeah, got that from Google.

But then I guess I'll cancel that because the next image in my mind is,

My life could turn out to be like this old couple in the last part of Titanic, 

in the future (I hope), 

but I know my life ain't that. 

My life is till this point below :

BUT suddenly there will be turbulence, that caused us to trip, & fall, & DIE, 

and no one even notices our disappearance. Tragic shit.

But that's still not bad. Cause I didn't die alone. Someone fell down into the sea with me. I'm fine with that story line. Anyway, enough of Titanic. As I was thinking of other venues, I had to cancel out certain locations. Well most of my life decisions I make by exclusion of what I don't want.  The venue shouldn't have any of these :

Cant make out whats this right? Neither can I. The fog ain't cool.

If my bride walked out of that fog to me in a gown, I'd flee.

This is Caprio in 'The Beach' movie.

That beach is like a closed off bay. I have nowhere to escape. I can't swim anywhere. I can't swim to begin with. Just freaks me out, and NO, its not claustrophobia. Cause I don't mind sleeping in a coffin. As long the coffin is comfy. Its just some specific things freak me out. Omg, where am I heading with this post? Let's continue.

Sogo KL indoor waterfall @ the foodcourt.

Dad took me there a couple of times as a kid, to flip coins-make a wish and all. But NO. No huge things, indoors okayy. Lets keep it outdoor alright. But I don't want everyone to go home that night. I was thinking, an all night party. More of a concert. Off topic,  Jay Chou's concert was going on a couple of hours ago. So Purple everywhere I almost thought it was an Indian concert. But I love love lovee those glow sticks. I'm gonna have plenty of those for my wedding. Anyway, the day I finally go for his concert, he will be too old to perform.

The guy in the photo on stage is Skrillex, but on my wedding day it would be me waiting for my bride. Perfect. At the entrance, I will provide free lighters. So when I kiss my wife, the crowd should look something like this,

 

Then at other times during performances, it should glow like a rainbow.

 

 

For the finisher, Indians always need rain and dance. I will plan my wedding day on a day that is going to rain, using weather forecast. The end of my wedding should look like this :

Step Up 2 : The Streets

Now all thats left to do is to get myself a bride.

 

Evil, Inherited or Acquired?

Its been awhile since I watched a movie, for the sake of my exams. As for today, half my exam is over and hence, a treat for my brain. Hwayi, yet another Korean movie. Easily categorized as a revenge thriller but I wouldn't say its that. I don't think revenge was the main focus of the movie. Before analysis, interesting parts first. There are 3 parts I love the most. The first 4 minutes blew my mind. I love powerful introductions that hook the viewer right from the beginning. It was just a robbery scene, but directed pretty well. Second, is the fight scene around 1 hr 10 mins. Third is around 1 hr 29 mins, where the dad-in-charge steps on his victim neck, until he reloads his gun, just to shoot him after. I really don't want to include any screenshots of those scenes cause it's kinda brutal. That description is kinda too much already. 

One exceptional scene, I love also, because it consists of pure mind gaming and it was very well delivered by the actors. Russian Roulette, but in a much more terrifying way.

 

I took this screenshot because this guy is much cooler looking, plus the other end of the gun is pointing into the victims mouth. We don't wanna get visual now do we? But I think my description is not helping either. Anyway, brief synopsis. Hwayi (played by Yeo Jin-goo, I'll give him credit later), was kidnapped when he was 7. The kidnapping goes wrong as his parents did not pay the ransom, and eventually his kidnappers (five of them) raise him up as their child, and he calls all of them 'dad'. When it was time for his first mission, he kinda screws up and the dad-in-charge forces him to kill his own father (the real father). When Hwayi pulled the trigger, he didn't know he was shooting his father, and I think you can pretty much guess where this story is heading. 

Sub-focus of the story, is the idea of the "Monster Delusion". Hwayi sees an imaginary monster in dark and closed up places or when he anxious. That is Hwayi's psychological delusion in the movie. It's actually a metaphorical representation of the 5 "monster" dads' he has. The dad-in-charge also once had that sort of delusion and he overcame it by murdering someone, and after Hwayi's first successful murder, he also found the strength to overcome his monster within. The dad-in-charge, mentions in a scene, "To defeat a monster, you have to become one". So what Hwayi is actually overcoming in the movie, is not the monster of his delusion, but his 5 kidnappers. Eventually, Hwayi becomes a monster himself by killing all 5 of them.

Another focus of the movie, "Once a trauma, always a trauma". Does one really heal? Who knows. This is depicted by one of the girls enslaved by the kidnappers. Even when the shackles were off herl legs, she still walked as if they were there. As for Hwayi, because of the box he was kept in during the kidnapping, he never could overcome his fear of darkness together with the monster in his imagination, until he did something drastic of course. 

Can you see the shackles? I hope you can. This was in 1998.

This was in 2007, she still walks weirdly.

What are these 5 dads trying to do anyway by raising the kid (Hwayi) up? Stockholm Syndrome maybe? Idk. What I think is going on is that, deep down they know they are monsters and they can't stand to see that Hwayi is growing up to be different compared to them. Different in a good way. So they psychologically break him down. Starting from the very beginning, by making him call them All 'Dad', subconsciously gives them authority over him, and for him, subconscious submission. They forced him to commit a murder just to prove that anyone can be a murderer and that all of them aren't really different from one another. Why does this sound so familiar? Yes, my favorite, The Dark Knight. The conflict between Harvey Two Face and The Joker. Harvey, once Gotham's White Knight, but Joker by just sheer manipulation brought him down to his level into becoming a killer that flips a coin to determine one's fate. Sorry for the detour. Basically, these bad people, want to make good people--bad, so that they can feel good about themselves. 

Another thing I received from this movie is, bad people are capable of love too. Despite the guns and blades, those 5 dads in a weird way, loved and took care of him. Until of course, the moment when he decided to kill all of them in revenge. That's when all hell broke loose. The main focus of the movies however, to put in question form, "Is evil inherited, or formed in a person by mere circumstances"? I think from this movie, its clear that the answer they are trying to portray is, circumstances. Given the right time and circumstance, anyone can become a murderer.

The fighting scenes were cool, as mentioned earlier. Car chases were not too much, which is perfect. Subtle love, just the way I like it. Finally, for the main character Hwayi, played by Yeo Jin-Goo. He has impressed me more than once. I watched Moon Embraces the Sun, I Miss you and now this movie. He actually has a lot of potential in acting. He could range from happy in those dramas to being a psychologically damaged teen in this movie. 

Slow clap & Cheers for you!

Self Reflection

Ok, I just came home from my Obs & Gyne Clinical Exam (its the practical part of of my exam) and what shall I do? Blog. Yes, blog. Love blogging these days. Not going to watch a movie now cause I'm going out with the peepz that had exam with me today. See, I have a life outside my room! Hahaha. How did I screw up my exam? I did not close the curtains before examination. Way to go, Me. Anyway, four people from my group had exams today including me, and by the kindness of God and our Dear Professor, he said we all passed. Can we take his word for it? Idk. Its not Lent (7 weeks before Easter) or Advent (4 weeks before Christmas) or Ramadhan (Month before Hari Raya) that is a time of repentance. Its the exam season. All sinners turn back to God before exam. HAHAHA! Anyway, enough exam for the moment. This question is a Reddit thread, and I would like to share my answer today as well.

"What is the one kind of person that you absolutely cannot stand?"

Some of the answers that was voted up were compulsive liars, arrogant, narcissist, people that turn everything into an argument, permanent victims, naggers, attention seekers, ignorant, hypocrites, dramatic, guilt trippers, insecure, over-achievers, loud, one upper. Those are some of the answers I found interesting, there are plenty more. I shan't discuss all of them, just a few. First, before what I hate, what am I guilty of, from the list above?

Turning everything into an argument. Well, yes, I can do that. Not with everybody though. I guess if you find yourself arguing with me pointlessly, there can be three reasons as to why. One, I hate you. Two, I want to assess something about you. Third, I genuinely think what you just said, was ridiculous and I had to say something about it, that most probably will lead us into an argument. But these arguments I'm talking about aren't those scary ones. I'm referring to more of a debate-like argument. For example, if someone said, "Guys have to work, girls should chill at home". I guarantee that sentence ain't gonna end there if I was around.  The other kind of argument is when something goes wrong kind-a-thing. For example, in a relationship, I can't make it for some date with my imaginary gf, or my parents caught me not in class? (does this happen? no not really, just an example). That, I'd bounce. I am a person who will avoid those moments. I ain't going deeper on whether avoiding is good or not, this post isn't for that, don't judge.

Second thing I think I find myself guilty of sometimes, One upper. Kind of just learnt that phrase today from the best source - Urban Dictionary. It means, 

"An annoying person who responds to hearing someone else’s 

experience or problem by immediately telling a similar story about themselves 

with a much more fantastic (or terrible) outcome."

Well, I think I don't do that All the time, but sometimes, I just genuinely have a situation worse than yours okayy. Its not like I'm belittling you or your story. Shit, why am I justifying myself?? Anyway, I'd be more cautious now. This one-upper attitude's gotta go. It would be seriously annoying if I'm the other person. The examples in Urban D is pretty funny, check it out! For the answer of hypocrites, I think everyone is guilty of that. If you find yourself doing what you hate others doing, then you have yourself a hypocrite. I am so damn sure everyone of us is a hypocrite in one way or another. People that don't practice what they preach annoy me, but the hate is not that deep I guess.

So what kind of people do I hate the most? Guilt trippers. Well, mostly its my fault because I'm susceptible to this, and its because I give a damn about so many things in life that a person shouldn't give a damn about. There has been a significant number of people in my life that do this, and I can't stand it At All, however, there was nothing I can do about it. Guilt Trippers aren't really the same as emotional blackmailers. They are a of similar species but different breed. Emotional blackmail is annoying but I think guilt trippers are the worst. They literally can drain you dry into getting everything they want and making you feel like crap if you don't get them what they want. What have I learnt from life so far? Keep a small social circle, don't make weird friends and surround yourself with people that add miserability to your life. I think theres just that point in life out of high school where you realize, having plenty of friends do you no good. To win wars, its quantity over quality. For friendship, its otherwise.

Off topic, I was walking toward the hospital for my exam this afternoon and I overheard two girls, Adults, wayy elder than me. One of them was complaining to the other about how her bf is not really spending enough time with her and how emotional is she about it. An hour before that, I was on Reddit and read this post about this girl who felt guilty for walking away angrily because her boyfriend was angry. Meaning, she got angry because he got angry, get me? and the top comment for that post - "you must be in high school". 

So I was thinking to myself, well I guess people have to mature in life. But then later, I see those two adult females talking about useless similar conflicts so many years later in life. Its not about the fact that the boyfriend isn't spending time with her, its how they were bit-ching about it. Well, there was more to what they were talking about, but I shall filter it. Are my ears sharp? No, they were Indians. No comment on the volume of their speech. Well for me, I do plenty of that (not bit-ching, sharing relationship issues), and I guess my friends do that too. Thats because we are in that stage of life. Its pretty normal that we talk about the relationships we are having. But I kinda have the hope that those problems cease as we get older, but do they? So ask yourself two questions today. What kind of person do you hate the most, and are you guilty of doing that? Second, have you matured in life, compared to your previous self?

The Apology

Giving or receiving. Saying sorry or accepting an apology. Knowing or not knowing your date of death. Which is harder? The third example is irrelevant to the topic today. I just included it to spice it up a lil. Elton John thinks, sorry seems to be the hardest word. Some others think its the easiest word to say. What determines whether its an easy word, or a difficult one? Is it harder to say sorry, or to accept one?

Firstly, is there such a thing as forgiving? If yes, how would you know whether you have forgiven someone? I think there surely isn't a way of forgetting an emotionally traumatizing incident, contrary to the popular pointless statement of 'forgive & forget'. I would say, you have forgiven someone, once you 'unbind' the person. Meaning, if you can allow the person who wronged you to go off happy, you have forgiven him. Its really irrelevant how You are feeling. You can be still angry about it, thinking about what happened over and over again until you eat yourself up, but as long as you don't attempt to hold that person accountable for an incident and revenge him/her by slowly consuming that person's mental status; you have forgiven that person. 

"Forgiving, is allowing the wrongdoer to be happy, Not You"

 

Some people say that when you forgive another, you can find peace. Really? I think, Not. If you don't forgive, you harbor anger. If you do, you harbor frustration, and that's because, you are unable to revenge. Revenge is cheap, but we are hardwired to do so. Achieving a peaceful-non-revenging human race is going to take longer than the time it took to domesticate wolves into becoming house dogs. I'm not going to bring love as a variable. Let's just stop at, "someone did something bad to you" case.  Love is just going to mess up the equation.

 

When does saying sorry become difficult? Pride. When you have a jar full of pride. Pride prevents you from a lot of things, including learning, because you think you are too cool to ask for directions or help. You will be unable to say sorry because you think it demeans you. But this will kill you. Unlike forgiving, saying sorry provides peace, because its given to you from the forgiver. So yes, its not Forgiving that gives you peace, its saying sorry. Saying sorry is by definition a selfish act, forgiving is just a donation. 

"Saying sorry to someone, is you, trying to forgive yourself"

 

So which is harder? Forgiving is a self-sacrifice, while saying sorry is purely selfish. Since we are all primarily selfish, its harder to forgive. When saying sorry, the price paid is only Pride. So if your price to forgive someone is higher than that person's pride, you will be forever frustrated. Death is never a price. In fact, its a really good liberation. The dead ain't suffering in this life anymore, while you are still stuck here. Forgiving, is of a higher level society, where some people just don't belong, yet. I'm not excluding myself in any statement I make verbally or in my blog. When someone says sorry to you, just accept it. Nothing can be done to reverse time, but you can allow another soul to be happy, even if you aren't. Just because you are not happy, doesn't mean the world has to suffer with you, and that includes the person that made you unhappy in the first place.

Depressed Messiah

Decision making time. For the past few months, I've been discovering something about myself, that other people may or may not have realized, but definitely haven't said anything at all to me. I actually have the need to care for others. That sentence sounds nice, but to me its becoming pathological. Seriously. I actually feel the intense need to save or help someone. If I see a random person who needs help, I Will help. Its okay if its a one-off thing like a road-side accident, where I call the ambulance or something. But in my case its not that. Its more than that. When I see a sad or depressed person, I'm automatically there for them to talk. It's not like I force them to talk or anything. But I just make myself available in such a way that they will eventually open up. This I realized can turn out really bad, which already has for me. It turns out bad, because I do this for anyone I know, any random acquaintance, subconsciously assuming that through that, we will eventually become awesome friends.  

"How wrong am I?"

For my para-clinical posting, I went to study about Hypnosis because I wanted to find an awesome way to cure depression and all psychiatric disorders in the future, most if not all. I thought there was some sort of hope in that. I genuinely thought, if I can master Hypnosis and step it up a little more than what the pioneers of Hypnosis such as James Braid or Milton Erikson have accomplished, I could save many lives. I could prevent suicides. I had plans of associating Binaural Beats and Hypnosis and craft out a more objective manner of hypnosis so that significant reproducible data can be obtained. 

"I want to save people". The meaning of this sentence has changed for me almost in an instance. Can I actually? No.I.Cant. I am suddenly afraid that the reason I chose medicine was similar to the reason I chose to learn up hypnosis. Just because I've experienced some amount of emotional distress, I assume that I can resonate with other people who need help. Why did this week became significant? That's because of two things. One, someone told me that I "pretend to care". Now, try to understand this confusion. I am already in a dilemma where I feel I can and should help with everyone else' emotional problems, and after actually listening to the problems, I feel awesome and useful in life. On top of this dilemma, someone said that, "I PRETEND". Sorrow like a sharp sword just pierced my heart. I genuinely feel the compulsion to care, and you give me that sentence? Okay, second? Someone else whom I was talking to again, just loaded me with a piece of information, but it started to become a burden of knowledge. It was an info I couldn't comprehend and its something I obviously can't handle. I really didn't have to know that. For obvious reasons, I can't let out that info here. But I need to indirectly vent. If not, I'm gonna explode. It's two things that has happened this week, but it changed a lot of me, because these two were just triggers to the mountain of build-up.

Self-diagnosis? I have what you call The Messiah Complex. Well, not really. I don't think I'm Jesus, but I really feel like I can save people. I blame myself if someone I knew committed suicide, and I couldn't or didn't do anything about it. But you know whats the contraindication? Bitter & Miserable people cannot be a messiah. Yes, maybe I can be a doctor (I honestly hope so, cause the road I'm traveling doesn't seem to offer a u-turn) and help people cope with their illnesses. But to be a psychiatrist? I don't know anymore. I really don't. It feels like my dream of a psychiatrist just popped like foam in an instant. So, the opening sentence of this blog. What is the decision I'm making? What is the question actually?

"Should I Care?"

Its not all about my dream to become a psychiatrist. It's about my interaction with people, Right Now. After tremendous brainstorming, I think that I should make a decision now. Too much has happened before this, and this week is the last of this. I cannot go around listening to all people's stories. But it's not their fault. It's mine. I Wanted to listen in the first place. It's over-burdening, yet in my mind I think I'm a coke glass in Nandos, bottomless. But I'm not. So I decided, I shall only care about my close friends, and that's not many of them. Not Many At All, because of recent, my friendships margin is beginning to mature and people who I should care for is surfacing from a dark pool of water. I shouldn't just start talking to random people about their problems. If I'm not close to you, it's not my duty to listen to your problems. That's something I have to convince myself. If you were an acquaintance, and you ended up committing suicide, I ain't gonna beat-up myself for that. If there are going to be new friendships, I suggest we build that ship first before any baggage is loaded to the deck. For all those Other people out there, today I chose, to NOT CARE.

Till Wrinkles Set Us Apart

Time, Time. It takes time to figure out true friends, it takes time to figure out your life partner. Recently there was news about a couple in China, where the bride made-up like a 70 year old and the groom just left. Yesterday, which was a couple of hours ago, in the Star News paper there was a review article about that, written by some Chinese dude, didn't really see his name. I found his opinion on that matter rather interesting.

Dailymail.co.uk - Link To The News Article

There are two reasons (I can think of) that the groom just stormed off. One, its just damn annoying that she did that, and second, he hated the 'old' look. Its interesting how the guy in the Star Newspaper chose to highlight the latter fact, by saying that we all will grow old someday. By that, I'm assuming that he thinks, the groom left her because she looks old? Well, he's entitled to his opinion. I just liked how he gave a general message to all couples that they should love each other till wrinkles and death. Why are relationships so different now then it was before? The picture below, I hate, from the septum of my heart :

Are you stupid? I mean, don't you think we don't want to fix things nowadays? Then why the difference? In my opinion, people those days are generally less intelligent (sorry old folks, that's the kindest way I can phrase it). The population is getting smarter (in some ways, not all), or to be more specific, young couples are more exposed these days. Last time, it took marriage to be the eye opener. Now, younger couples are breaking up relationships much faster, because they either sense impending collapse, or they are genuinely useless. Many couples these days, after being together for a substantial amount of time, move in together and try out living together. That's pretty much the beginning of a marital life subtract the monetary issues. You'll see your partner without make-up, with ugly shorts and baggy t-shirts, that otherwise you wouldn't if you are staying separately. Besides the looks, you will also be around your partner ALL THE TIME. Other than the time for work or school, you'd see your partner's face all throughout. More time, does not necessarily mean more love. In just means inevitable drama. 

That picture above, which I hate so much does not prove anything. You can be together for 70 years and still not truly love each other. You could have a no-love-no-hate relationship, which to me is something utterly pointless. Why are couples these days giving up faster? Its because they are trying to find that ultimate partner, the true lover, the best they can ever look for. It may be terrible to have plenty of relationships and have plenty of break-ups, but rather then getting married for the sake of marriage and to ensure hereditary continuity (which is what those people in the era of the annoying couple in the picture above did), I'd prefer break-ups. It is extremely possible to live with someone all the way to 65 years later. But the truth will eventually surface, whether you like it or not. I don't want to be that guy that makes fun of my wife when I'm drunk, or make silly jokes behind her back. I want to be in love so much with her, that even when I'm drunk 50 years later, that'd be the same thing I'd proclaim. I don't want to be that guy while living with his wife, enjoys the service of commercial sex workers. During old-boys catch-up sessions, I don't want to be that guy that tells his other guy friends how tiring his marriage is or how much his wife nags. I don't want to be that guy who tells young men, "you need to know how to lie to girls". 

If you are going to set yourself on a journey to find someone to love till death and maybe even beyond, truthfully and not for the sake of saying you are in a relationship, you ain't gonna get it right the first time. Prepare for heartaches, and prepare plenty of tissues. There's of course that one drop in the sea of couples that gets it right the first time, but I ain't one of them.